It always takes a lot of back and forth in my head before I finally work up the courage to post these things. Because we say, "end the stigma" and have all these catchy taglines to promote opening up about mental health but at the end of the day, there's still a ton of stigma. I still have fears that people will look at me differently or that opening up about this will define me in the eyes of some. That I'll only be known for being the "depressed girl."
OH DAMN WELL, I guess.
I have a bit of a rant. They tell us to "get help" if we need it. To not be embarrassed to reach out. What they don't tell you is HOW HARD IT IS TO GET appropriate help. I have struggled with major depressive disorder since high school (over ten years) and I have gotten to see an actual psychiatrist ONCE. And that was ONLY when I was admitted to inpatient mental health facilities, three years ago. AND LET ME TELL YOU it hasn't been from a lack of trying. I have had constant back and forth. Waiting lists, endless referrals, appointments with primary care doctors and lots of therapy with a bunch of referrals and you have to do nothing short of TREKKING TO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM IN MORDOR in order to be seen by someone who actually knows anything about the PSYCHOLOGY OF THE BRAIN (in my geographical area).
I have said this before, I think suicide prevention hotlines are fantastic and very important but these are volunteers guiding you through a very specific temporary crisis. These are not doctors in the mental health field that know the psychology of the brain. So, they tell you to get help. But they won't tell you how hard it is to find the help that actually gets to the root of the issues, TREATS the illness and doesn't just talk you down from an EXTREMELY vital, but temporary moment. Depression is not ONLY being suicidal. There are many other DEBILITATING symptoms of depression, that need to be appropriately treated. I have done a ton of research, and I won't ever claim to be a doctor in the field but I will say I do know a decent amount on the subject. Therapy helps and it works but when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, it is only one half of the equation. They will tell you that themselves. That is, if you can even find a decent one. When I was discharged from inpatient behavioral health three years ago, I was set up with an outpatient "counselor" to continue therapy.
When I walked into the door for my first session, this man's first words to me were, "You look fine. What's SO BAD about your life?" His tone was extremely patronizing.
Um. Well, sir. I'm no health professional, I thought that's what YOU were supposed to be, but I've been told it's my brain. Not my "life." I was absolutely appalled. I never went back.
Another nurse I went to told me that I should scream into a pillow. That it always helped her when she was feeling "blue." I'm not feeling BLUE lady, I am battling a constant stream of cognitive distortions in my head AT AN ALARMING RATE BECAUSE THE CHEMICALS IN MY BRAIN ARE MISALIGNED.
Call me crazy but these miseducated "health professionals" weren't exactly the kind of people I wanted to open up to. Especially when I seemed to know more about the mental disorder than they did. They seemed to have no inkling of a clue about the science of DEPRESSION. (Don't get me wrong, there are definitely some really good therapists in the area who care about their patients, too.)
And when they make you jump through all these hoops. When your insurance doesn't cover shit. When you have to pay out of pocket. Or try eighteen different therapists. Spend days and weeks on the phone with insurance companies. I mean.. ain't none of that HELPING anybody's mental health, the stress of it all. It's so easy to give up on the system. ESPECIALLY since rates of depression are much higher among those living in poverty, they get stuck in an endless cycle because many do not have insurance and cannot pay out of pocket. When you're struggling to keep the heat on and a roof over your head, it is damn near impossible to make mental health a priority. And that's when people need it the most.
I don't know if it is the same in other areas, but I know my area has an EXTREME shortage of psychiatrists and I guess there's not much they can do if there is simply no one to be seeing patients but it's UNACCEPTABLE.
We lose people to suicide and then we tell people to get help but it isn't that simple. Getting to the bottom of things can take YEARS. It has for me. Things have compounded and gotten much worse over time, as they tend to do when left untreated. And to expect people to have that kind of time when they are dealing with something so serious is just atrocious.
I don't know the answer, I really don't. I encourage you to be persistent and keep trying if you are dealing with anything similar. I hope this process gets easier. Your life is just too precious to give up, even if it can be extremely frustrating.
PLEASE don't think I'm discouraging anyone from getting help. PLEASE!!!!! DO!!!! I am writing this to educate some and to share my experience. So that when we share these "take care of yourself, get help!" memes, everyone can be a little more aware that there is more to it than just walking in somewhere and ~getting~ the help.
And now, more than ever, be a support to the people in your lives because sometimes the professional help they need isn't as easy to get as everyone would like to make you think.
Friday, January 18, 2019
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Marie Howey: A Work in Progress, Forever
After Maylene was born, I spent many years resenting people. Many years. Resenting people for not understanding me, resenting people for not being able to relate, resenting people for my own feeling that I didn't belong. I felt I didn't belong with my own peers and I felt I didn't belong with "traditional" moms, either.
To this day, I don't think I know anyone who has had the same exact life experiences that I have.
I don't personally know other single mothers who were, at 20 years old, in a seemingly stable relationship, got pregnant, got cheated on, raised an infant alone while simultaneously earning a Bachelor's degree while working two jobs and battling depression. I don't know other people who have struggled in the same specific ways financially, emotionally and mentally that I have. That's not to say I am soooOoo unique in my scenario, I only mean the specific circumstances. But the difference is that now I understand I'm not supposed to. No one's life experiences are exactly the same. That is the beauty and that is the pain.
(..I promise you, this isn't a "woe is me" post.)
I hated going to class. I hated going to work. I hated being around people who, I thought, didn't know how good they had it. I resented them for being able to get a full night's sleep before their 8am. I resented them for being able to afford nice clothes. I resented them for having age-appropriate issues to talk about when my life felt so unrelatable. I grew apart from friends, I resented them for being able to live the fresh 21 life. I resented their freedom. I'm not proud to say that, but it's true.
But the thing is.. I know many people who have struggled in many different ways. My struggle isn't the only struggle by a LOOOONG shot. My story isn't the only story. I know people with similar stories and I know people with vastly different stories. I know people who have had it MUCH worse and I know people who have had it much easier. But it's all relative, really.
I look back today and I thank God my life unraveled exactly as it has. Because that is MY story. It belongs to me and no one else. Just as your's belongs to you. It doesn't make me better than anyone else. It doesn't make me stronger than anyone else. It has made me, and continues to make me, a better version of me and that is what my life is for.
Too often, for too long, I based my life's story on someone else's perception of me. That is just noooot what it's all about, y'all. That is why I have always struggled so badly with things like social media. The surface, the comparison.
What took me ages to realize, I mean really realize, is that our lives are not for comparison. I was born to be me and you were born to be you. That, to me, will always be the beauty of it. I have and will continue to learn the lessons that were meant for me.
In my naivety, I became wiser.
In being insecure, I became an open book.
In betrayal, I learned how to love.
In hardship, I learned gratitude.
In depression, I learned to fall in love with life through the little things.
In selfishness, I learned the importance of the people in my life.
In regret, I learned how to get better at apologizing.
In accepting my humanity, I learned that I can make endless mistakes and still strive to be the best version of myself, every day.
I try not to feel that resentment or envy anymore; because we all do at one point or another. It feels so much better when you're able to trust that each and every one of us is constantly learning, living and writing a unique story of our own. We don't all have the same experiences and THANK GOD for that. What a boring world that would be.
It's never too late to admit you're kind of an asshole. Allow your experiences to shape you and fuel your growth. Turns out, alienating yourself with self-pity ain't so fun (or worth it).
To this day, I don't think I know anyone who has had the same exact life experiences that I have.
I don't personally know other single mothers who were, at 20 years old, in a seemingly stable relationship, got pregnant, got cheated on, raised an infant alone while simultaneously earning a Bachelor's degree while working two jobs and battling depression. I don't know other people who have struggled in the same specific ways financially, emotionally and mentally that I have. That's not to say I am soooOoo unique in my scenario, I only mean the specific circumstances. But the difference is that now I understand I'm not supposed to. No one's life experiences are exactly the same. That is the beauty and that is the pain.
(..I promise you, this isn't a "woe is me" post.)
I hated going to class. I hated going to work. I hated being around people who, I thought, didn't know how good they had it. I resented them for being able to get a full night's sleep before their 8am. I resented them for being able to afford nice clothes. I resented them for having age-appropriate issues to talk about when my life felt so unrelatable. I grew apart from friends, I resented them for being able to live the fresh 21 life. I resented their freedom. I'm not proud to say that, but it's true.
But the thing is.. I know many people who have struggled in many different ways. My struggle isn't the only struggle by a LOOOONG shot. My story isn't the only story. I know people with similar stories and I know people with vastly different stories. I know people who have had it MUCH worse and I know people who have had it much easier. But it's all relative, really.
I look back today and I thank God my life unraveled exactly as it has. Because that is MY story. It belongs to me and no one else. Just as your's belongs to you. It doesn't make me better than anyone else. It doesn't make me stronger than anyone else. It has made me, and continues to make me, a better version of me and that is what my life is for.
Too often, for too long, I based my life's story on someone else's perception of me. That is just noooot what it's all about, y'all. That is why I have always struggled so badly with things like social media. The surface, the comparison.
What took me ages to realize, I mean really realize, is that our lives are not for comparison. I was born to be me and you were born to be you. That, to me, will always be the beauty of it. I have and will continue to learn the lessons that were meant for me.
In my naivety, I became wiser.
In being insecure, I became an open book.
In betrayal, I learned how to love.
In hardship, I learned gratitude.
In depression, I learned to fall in love with life through the little things.
In selfishness, I learned the importance of the people in my life.
In regret, I learned how to get better at apologizing.
In accepting my humanity, I learned that I can make endless mistakes and still strive to be the best version of myself, every day.
I try not to feel that resentment or envy anymore; because we all do at one point or another. It feels so much better when you're able to trust that each and every one of us is constantly learning, living and writing a unique story of our own. We don't all have the same experiences and THANK GOD for that. What a boring world that would be.
It's never too late to admit you're kind of an asshole. Allow your experiences to shape you and fuel your growth. Turns out, alienating yourself with self-pity ain't so fun (or worth it).
Thursday, June 14, 2018
I am here to tell you that this self-care movement is a crock of shit.
Annnddd let me tell you why.
Think about the times in your life when you've felt really whole. When you've felt complete. When you've thought to yourself, "This is it. I am fulfilling my purpose. I feel good about who I am."
Now maybe I'm a lone ranger here, but I'm gonna guess that I'm not. I'm also gonna guess that you didn't have this life fulfilling self-realization when you were lying in the tub with a face mask on and cucumbers over your eyes.
I'm not saying that you should stop taking care of yourself and your body. I'm not saying you shouldn't make time to relax. But ALL. OF. THIS. current worldly focus on "self-care" is honestly bizarre to me. Everyone's been talking about it and it's been a constant buzzword--like it's the most important thing we could ever do.
A big part of the reason it bothers me so much is just in the way it is depicted. Self-care is portrayed as pedicures and splurging on yourself, taking baths and spending money, going out to dinner and getting your hair done. True self-care? It ain't pretty. It is ugly and arduous.
If you truly want to take care of yourself, feel better about who you are and evolve as a human being, it requires grueling work. Having some honest, gut-wrenching conversations with yourself to pinpoint your faults and be honest about the ways you affect the people in your life. It requires discipline and self-restraint to STOP making bad, rash decisions about your money, goals, health and world view. True self-care is developing self-awareness. Being aware of how you make others feel. Making the harder decision to not splurge when it is irresponsible to do so. Choosing to do the hard work now that you've been avoiding for months or years. To better yourself. To write the resume, tackle your unhealthy thoughts with thought-replacement, have difficult conversations with the people you've hurt, apologize, cut back on unhealthy habits, procrastinating less, taking action more, giving more of your time to others, wasting less time on timeline scrolling and napping, waking up early, refusing to let your fears and discomforts control your decisions and focusing less on a ego-centric mindset.
In my opinion, the modern depiction of self-care is actually, on the contrary, quite unhealthy. I think it encourages procrastination and irresponsibility. It fuels laziness and stunts real growth. Basking in frivolous moments of luxury and self-indulgence probably isn't going to make us any feel better about ourselves. And even if it does, is it really for more than a fleeting moment?
If we're to truly nurture ourselves--mind, body and soul, we must acknowledge that we are not the only people in our lives that matter. Focusing less on ourselves in a selfish way and more on our impact in a greater sense.
For me? This has meant taking a painful look at myself. Acknowledging that my daughter deserves and requires more of my full, undivided, undistracted attention in a day. Realizing that my anxiety interferes with the way I treat others. Seeing that I have projected pain and hurt onto my boyfriend by making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. Realizing that I have acted out of jealousy and selfishness. And I have been trying fiercely to replace my stream of negative thoughts. To stop making excuses and pushing important things off. Working on all of this is hard work, agonizing at times. But that's exactly what makes it important. It's the only type of care that we will come out of feeling truly transformed, truly productive and most importantly, truly self-loving.
xoxo
Think about the times in your life when you've felt really whole. When you've felt complete. When you've thought to yourself, "This is it. I am fulfilling my purpose. I feel good about who I am."
Now maybe I'm a lone ranger here, but I'm gonna guess that I'm not. I'm also gonna guess that you didn't have this life fulfilling self-realization when you were lying in the tub with a face mask on and cucumbers over your eyes.
I'm not saying that you should stop taking care of yourself and your body. I'm not saying you shouldn't make time to relax. But ALL. OF. THIS. current worldly focus on "self-care" is honestly bizarre to me. Everyone's been talking about it and it's been a constant buzzword--like it's the most important thing we could ever do.
A big part of the reason it bothers me so much is just in the way it is depicted. Self-care is portrayed as pedicures and splurging on yourself, taking baths and spending money, going out to dinner and getting your hair done. True self-care? It ain't pretty. It is ugly and arduous.
If you truly want to take care of yourself, feel better about who you are and evolve as a human being, it requires grueling work. Having some honest, gut-wrenching conversations with yourself to pinpoint your faults and be honest about the ways you affect the people in your life. It requires discipline and self-restraint to STOP making bad, rash decisions about your money, goals, health and world view. True self-care is developing self-awareness. Being aware of how you make others feel. Making the harder decision to not splurge when it is irresponsible to do so. Choosing to do the hard work now that you've been avoiding for months or years. To better yourself. To write the resume, tackle your unhealthy thoughts with thought-replacement, have difficult conversations with the people you've hurt, apologize, cut back on unhealthy habits, procrastinating less, taking action more, giving more of your time to others, wasting less time on timeline scrolling and napping, waking up early, refusing to let your fears and discomforts control your decisions and focusing less on a ego-centric mindset.
In my opinion, the modern depiction of self-care is actually, on the contrary, quite unhealthy. I think it encourages procrastination and irresponsibility. It fuels laziness and stunts real growth. Basking in frivolous moments of luxury and self-indulgence probably isn't going to make us any feel better about ourselves. And even if it does, is it really for more than a fleeting moment?
If we're to truly nurture ourselves--mind, body and soul, we must acknowledge that we are not the only people in our lives that matter. Focusing less on ourselves in a selfish way and more on our impact in a greater sense.
For me? This has meant taking a painful look at myself. Acknowledging that my daughter deserves and requires more of my full, undivided, undistracted attention in a day. Realizing that my anxiety interferes with the way I treat others. Seeing that I have projected pain and hurt onto my boyfriend by making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. Realizing that I have acted out of jealousy and selfishness. And I have been trying fiercely to replace my stream of negative thoughts. To stop making excuses and pushing important things off. Working on all of this is hard work, agonizing at times. But that's exactly what makes it important. It's the only type of care that we will come out of feeling truly transformed, truly productive and most importantly, truly self-loving.
xoxo
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
I Am Sensitive: Hear Me Roar
In a harsh world, showing vulnerability is hard.
Showing transparency comes off as weak.
In a harsh world, I grew to hate myself
For being "too" sensitive,
For caring "too" much.
People have told me I should stop caring so much,
"Don't take everything on so deeply," they've said.
As if I could just blink and transform the core of my being.
No one cares. No, not really.
That's not the world we live in.
Everyone is looking for the quickest form of
Instant gratification.
And it's probably not even their fault.
But what if that's not who I am?
Maybe that's not who I want to be?
I loathe the thought of feeling nothing
Even more than the thought of taking it all on.
Maybe it is excruciating:
The weight of my feelings
And fears.
The tears I cry and the standards I hold
The love I want and the love I give.
Seeking something pure and true
In a shallow, damaged world
Has honestly felt pointless at times.
But it is still there.
Just not where we've been looking.
We can only find depth by looking deeper.
In both ourselves and others.
Deeper is real, raw, genuine, awkward moments.
Deeper is putting yourself out there.
Deeper is making yourself vulnerable.
Deeper is telling it like it is. Saying how you feel
Without filter,
Without trying to appear another way.
Deeper is not in your comfort zone.
Deeper is not in your phone.
Deeper is not the hundreds of surface, superficial relationships.
Deeper is being yourself, without the facade.
Deeper is being yourself, without someone else dictating who that should be.
Deeper is uncomfortable, but in my opinion
It's the only thing in life that's worth our time.
xo
Showing transparency comes off as weak.
In a harsh world, I grew to hate myself
For being "too" sensitive,
For caring "too" much.
People have told me I should stop caring so much,
"Don't take everything on so deeply," they've said.
As if I could just blink and transform the core of my being.
No one cares. No, not really.
That's not the world we live in.
Everyone is looking for the quickest form of
Instant gratification.
And it's probably not even their fault.
But what if that's not who I am?
Maybe that's not who I want to be?
I loathe the thought of feeling nothing
Even more than the thought of taking it all on.
Maybe it is excruciating:
The weight of my feelings
And fears.
The tears I cry and the standards I hold
The love I want and the love I give.
Seeking something pure and true
In a shallow, damaged world
Has honestly felt pointless at times.
But it is still there.
Just not where we've been looking.
We can only find depth by looking deeper.
In both ourselves and others.
Deeper is real, raw, genuine, awkward moments.
Deeper is putting yourself out there.
Deeper is making yourself vulnerable.
Deeper is telling it like it is. Saying how you feel
Without filter,
Without trying to appear another way.
Deeper is not in your comfort zone.
Deeper is not in your phone.
Deeper is not the hundreds of surface, superficial relationships.
Deeper is being yourself, without the facade.
Deeper is being yourself, without someone else dictating who that should be.
Deeper is uncomfortable, but in my opinion
It's the only thing in life that's worth our time.
xo
 |
"A sensitive soul sees the world through the lens of love." |
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Love Lessons Learned
Up until several months ago, "love," romantic love, had not been kind to me. "Love" was toxic. Deceitful, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive, belittling and painful.
"Love" wasn't really love at all.My experiences made me bitter and shut off, happier to be accepting a life alone.
Over the past months, I have received more love than the sum of my entire 28 years on this earth. A real love. A forgiving, understanding, open-minded, communicating, timeless and unconditional love that has changed my views on what love should and can be. I know this because it is so unlike any of the treatment I ever received before. He says to me often, "I don't care about being right. I care about working through this together." Totally simple, right? Well, for me, totally RARE. And totally something no one had ever said to me before.
One night I sobbed, fairly early on in the relationship, after a long day and a pretty heavy episode of depression I cried, "I don't want you to see me like this."
Without any hesitation he reassured me, "I think that it's a privilege that you let me be a part of that. The good, the bad and the ugly. That's life and that's real. It wouldn't feel real if you didn't let me see every part and I feel privileged that you let me in to see all of it, every little part. I will always be here for it, I'm not going anywhere."
If you put your heart in the hands of the undeserving enough times, you eventually FINALLY learn what you want and what you deserve. I was just really starting to believe that it wasn't for me and that there wasn't a chance I'd find it.
But one day without even realizing, everything just falls into place.
Love means something different to me now.
Since the moment we met, I have had this bursting feeling inside. I find myself crying still. But this time, not out of hurt and pain as I have always been accustomed to, but tears of joy welling inside of me. I have a best friend with whom I can share the deepest, darkest corners of my soul.
ALLLLLLLL of that being said, my point isn't to boast. I am ecstatic to be at this point in my life. But I experienced years upon years of pain and hurt. They got me good and there were points I was convinced that I'd NEVER make it through and that I'd NEVER get over it.
The part that I really want to share is that there IS a big picture.
We experience pain and heartbreak so that we might be able to appreciate genuine love and kindness when it does comes into our lives.
It toughens us up. Makes us stronger. Teaches us who we are and what we can be without relying on someone else to tell us. I had to discover my own worth before I could demand someone else's respect and high standards.
It's important to note that love isn't pain. With all of the songs, TV shows and movies out there portraying this idea that love is fighting and making up. Screaming at each other, throwing things, breaking things, cheating, arguing, bickering, breaking up and making up. All of that is portrayed as "love" and "passion" in our society, but that couldn't be farther from true. I'm not saying that you're never going to disagree or argue, but accepting those things as norm will lead to a lifetime of pain that no one deserves. Even though it seems "passionate," these things are toxic abuse, NOT love.
I know, because I've been there.
Things like attachment, codependency, addiction, obsession and comfort can all be easily mistaken for love.
But just because it is all you've known doesn't mean that it is real. Not in its purest form, not love as it is meant to be.
You only have one life to live and you DESERVE to fill it with the most genuine, honest feelings of kindness, caring, forgiveness, acceptance and pure love.
From yourself first, and then from others.
Be patient.
xoxo
 |
with you i am desperately understood. --f.d. soul |
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
My Own Damn Self
A few weeks ago, Maylene's class had a special presentation night and as I was sitting there, surrounded by the families, the couples and the children--completely out of nowhere, I had a severe anxiety attack.
While the kids were up on stage, I casually scanned the room and happened to glance at one of the performing children's parents. They looked at each other and smiled, as if to telepathically say, "we done good." An absolutely beautiful moment.
And to be honest, one I've never had.
From there, my thoughts started to unravel at warp speeds and before I knew it, I was sitting there fighting back a stream of tears and emotions.
In that moment, I just wanted to know what it felt like. To have the validation, to have the reassurance.. coming from someone else.
You see, as most single parents, my survival is dependent on my necessity to be my own cheerleader.
When the going gets tough, I don't get to send her off to dad to ease the pressure. When we run out of bread at 9pm and Maylene's asleep, I can't leave her with dad while I make a grocery store run. There's no, "go ask you dad." There's no one to split the driving, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, teaching, playing, homework, or bills with. And there's no one for me to glance over and smile at in a moment of pride, for our child.
For a moment there, I was feeling sorry for myself. I tried to imagine how different everything would be if this wasn't the way it had happened.
That's when it all came full circle for me. I realized, I don't think Maylene would be the same child that she is today without our given situation, however tough or imperfect it might be. Because of my sole income, she has never been spoiled. Because she has watched and helped me do it all by myself, she is independent. Because I'm the only one she's around most of the time, she's got an impeccable sense of humor. Wink wink.
Quickly, I looked up and saw my daughter on stage. Happy, entertaining and full of life. I realized that she was the one I needed to take a meaningful look at. I needed to take a moment to deeply reflect on who she is. To recognize, yes, she is a kid and no, she isn't perfect. But her heart is kind, she's growing, learning and healthy.
She makes me a proud mother and I realized that it is okay to pat yourself on the back, to tell yourself you've done good. It's more than okay, it's absolutely necessary.
It doesn't matter whether you're a single parent or not, or even a parent at all for that matter. You can't ever forget to be your own cheerleader. Don't let the absence of someone else keep you from telling yourself what you need to hear most. Honest reflection in parenting and any aspect of life is so important, but you have to make sure that your goals and shortcomings do not block the way for the most critical self-reminders: you are doing a DAMN good job and that does NOT change based on whether someone else is there to recognize it and tell you on a daily basis.
xo
While the kids were up on stage, I casually scanned the room and happened to glance at one of the performing children's parents. They looked at each other and smiled, as if to telepathically say, "we done good." An absolutely beautiful moment.
And to be honest, one I've never had.
From there, my thoughts started to unravel at warp speeds and before I knew it, I was sitting there fighting back a stream of tears and emotions.
In that moment, I just wanted to know what it felt like. To have the validation, to have the reassurance.. coming from someone else.
You see, as most single parents, my survival is dependent on my necessity to be my own cheerleader.
When the going gets tough, I don't get to send her off to dad to ease the pressure. When we run out of bread at 9pm and Maylene's asleep, I can't leave her with dad while I make a grocery store run. There's no, "go ask you dad." There's no one to split the driving, cooking, cleaning, disciplining, teaching, playing, homework, or bills with. And there's no one for me to glance over and smile at in a moment of pride, for our child.
For a moment there, I was feeling sorry for myself. I tried to imagine how different everything would be if this wasn't the way it had happened.That's when it all came full circle for me. I realized, I don't think Maylene would be the same child that she is today without our given situation, however tough or imperfect it might be. Because of my sole income, she has never been spoiled. Because she has watched and helped me do it all by myself, she is independent. Because I'm the only one she's around most of the time, she's got an impeccable sense of humor. Wink wink.
Quickly, I looked up and saw my daughter on stage. Happy, entertaining and full of life. I realized that she was the one I needed to take a meaningful look at. I needed to take a moment to deeply reflect on who she is. To recognize, yes, she is a kid and no, she isn't perfect. But her heart is kind, she's growing, learning and healthy.
She makes me a proud mother and I realized that it is okay to pat yourself on the back, to tell yourself you've done good. It's more than okay, it's absolutely necessary.
It doesn't matter whether you're a single parent or not, or even a parent at all for that matter. You can't ever forget to be your own cheerleader. Don't let the absence of someone else keep you from telling yourself what you need to hear most. Honest reflection in parenting and any aspect of life is so important, but you have to make sure that your goals and shortcomings do not block the way for the most critical self-reminders: you are doing a DAMN good job and that does NOT change based on whether someone else is there to recognize it and tell you on a daily basis.
xo
Monday, July 17, 2017
Don't Blink
As you probably noticed, I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. I've gone to write so many times and I have stopped myself. As a single mother and an empath, it is often my first instinct to turn to writing when life gets tough. Not because I think that I am unique in my hardships or because I want to focus on the negatives, but because I know that my struggles are what have shaped me. Strengthened me. Made me who I am and shown me what I am capable of. What's that thing they say? "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor." Well, I believe it. Writing helps me see that.
It has been almost exactly one year since my last post and, in reflection, I've been thinking about what has changed. What hasn't. What got easier, and what became more challenging. Either way, it's been helpful to acknowledge that, even when it doesn't feel like it, I am evolving. I am growing as a person and a parent and I am not the same mom that I was a year ago or five years ago.
My baby May isn't a baby anymore. I look at her and all of the cutie baby chub is officially gone. Just a few months away from 1st grade and it feels impossible, surreal.
It feels like yesterday I was lying in the operating room sobbing tears of joy, "let me see her, let me see her!" At the same time, I truly don't remember what life felt like before motherhood. I don't remember the way my heart loved or the way my soul experienced life. Of course it changed me, but I truly can't remember what it felt like to not love like this. Worry like this. Ache like this. Grind like this. Sleep (or not) like this. Care like this. All of that, but mostly love.
A fun little side note and tidbit about me, if you don't already know, is that I love quotes. I have a quotation mark tattoo on my back and I love that it confuses the hell out of people. The words, wisdom and experiences of others have always inspired me and stuck with me in a special way. Plus, I'm not always so eloquent, so I'm also a firm believer that "Someone else has already said it best." (American History X reference ftw!).
One of my favorite quotes that I read this past year is, "Motherhood: the days are long, but the years are short. Don't blink." There are few things I relate to more. Sometimes the reality of those words feel painfully true, and sometimes they feel wonderfully true. The days fly by and you don't even notice. You get to see your child growing, learning, evolving, changing, becoming. Who they are and who they are meant to be. But you also get to reflect on your shortcomings and failures as a parent. So many days I took the "lazy way" out. So many times I should have played with those stuffed animals on the bedroom floor before she grew out of them.
Parenthood is full of regret. For me it is, anyway. But I am learning too. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. My regrets have fueled growth. My shortcomings have sparked change. My failures have humbled me: I am not perfect, I will never be. But every single day I am trying. That is life. That is human. And that is the most important reminder of all: parents are still [just] humans.
xoxo
It has been almost exactly one year since my last post and, in reflection, I've been thinking about what has changed. What hasn't. What got easier, and what became more challenging. Either way, it's been helpful to acknowledge that, even when it doesn't feel like it, I am evolving. I am growing as a person and a parent and I am not the same mom that I was a year ago or five years ago.
My baby May isn't a baby anymore. I look at her and all of the cutie baby chub is officially gone. Just a few months away from 1st grade and it feels impossible, surreal.
It feels like yesterday I was lying in the operating room sobbing tears of joy, "let me see her, let me see her!" At the same time, I truly don't remember what life felt like before motherhood. I don't remember the way my heart loved or the way my soul experienced life. Of course it changed me, but I truly can't remember what it felt like to not love like this. Worry like this. Ache like this. Grind like this. Sleep (or not) like this. Care like this. All of that, but mostly love.
A fun little side note and tidbit about me, if you don't already know, is that I love quotes. I have a quotation mark tattoo on my back and I love that it confuses the hell out of people. The words, wisdom and experiences of others have always inspired me and stuck with me in a special way. Plus, I'm not always so eloquent, so I'm also a firm believer that "Someone else has already said it best." (American History X reference ftw!).
One of my favorite quotes that I read this past year is, "Motherhood: the days are long, but the years are short. Don't blink." There are few things I relate to more. Sometimes the reality of those words feel painfully true, and sometimes they feel wonderfully true. The days fly by and you don't even notice. You get to see your child growing, learning, evolving, changing, becoming. Who they are and who they are meant to be. But you also get to reflect on your shortcomings and failures as a parent. So many days I took the "lazy way" out. So many times I should have played with those stuffed animals on the bedroom floor before she grew out of them.
Parenthood is full of regret. For me it is, anyway. But I am learning too. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. My regrets have fueled growth. My shortcomings have sparked change. My failures have humbled me: I am not perfect, I will never be. But every single day I am trying. That is life. That is human. And that is the most important reminder of all: parents are still [just] humans.
xoxo
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Signing off for a bit..
My heart feels heavy lately. I don't know if I can really find the words to explain it.
I look at my Facebook memories and I see 9+ years. But 9+ years of what? At first, MySpace and Facebook were a fun addition to life. I could chat with friends after I came home from school. I could share pictures and, at first, it felt like a way I could say the things I didn't have the courage to say in person.
But now, it just feels like a facade that I hide behind. Bluntly, social media has been devastating to my anxiety, depression, self-esteem and confidence. It has been devastating because I have allowed it to be.
I need some time to get away and clear my mind, so I am signing off for a bit. I need my real life back. I need myself back.
Likes do not make me a good person.
A beautiful face, a beautiful picture do not equate to a beautiful soul.
Arguing over issues from behind a keyboard has not changed anyone's mind in the history of EVER.
I am still passionate about the issues and movements that mean a lot to me, but I have been using the wrong platform.
Posting a status about it does not help the problem.
Gloating about my accomplishments and receiving "cyber praise" does not make me feel better about who I am.
Comparing myself to other mothers online does not make me a better mother.
It is a platform that is meant to show the surface, but I long for the depths of life.
We all have good intentions. But for me, it has been destructive. And I need a break. I long for more friendships. True, wholesome, raw friendships and relationships. I have unknowingly and unintentionally consumed my life with a social platform that has brought very little positivity into my life. I have used it as a crutch for my general and social anxiety for far too long. And now I feel that I can't get those years back.
Please call me, please text me, please show up to my house. If you run into me, please come up and chat. Please hang out with me. I want the realness and rawness back in my life.
I'm ready for a change.
I look at my Facebook memories and I see 9+ years. But 9+ years of what? At first, MySpace and Facebook were a fun addition to life. I could chat with friends after I came home from school. I could share pictures and, at first, it felt like a way I could say the things I didn't have the courage to say in person.
But now, it just feels like a facade that I hide behind. Bluntly, social media has been devastating to my anxiety, depression, self-esteem and confidence. It has been devastating because I have allowed it to be.
I need some time to get away and clear my mind, so I am signing off for a bit. I need my real life back. I need myself back.
Likes do not make me a good person.
A beautiful face, a beautiful picture do not equate to a beautiful soul.
Arguing over issues from behind a keyboard has not changed anyone's mind in the history of EVER.
I am still passionate about the issues and movements that mean a lot to me, but I have been using the wrong platform.
Posting a status about it does not help the problem.
Gloating about my accomplishments and receiving "cyber praise" does not make me feel better about who I am.
Comparing myself to other mothers online does not make me a better mother.
It is a platform that is meant to show the surface, but I long for the depths of life.
We all have good intentions. But for me, it has been destructive. And I need a break. I long for more friendships. True, wholesome, raw friendships and relationships. I have unknowingly and unintentionally consumed my life with a social platform that has brought very little positivity into my life. I have used it as a crutch for my general and social anxiety for far too long. And now I feel that I can't get those years back.
Please call me, please text me, please show up to my house. If you run into me, please come up and chat. Please hang out with me. I want the realness and rawness back in my life.
I'm ready for a change.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Thursday Thoughts
Did your mom ever tell you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? She was right, and talking nicely also applies when you're talking to yourself, even inside your head.
Just yesterday, my brother was telling everyone about the time my daughter said, "I look so beautiful. Tell me how beautiful I look!" And even though it gave us all a good laugh, I wish I could take that confidence, save it all up and somehow keep her from ever letting go of that. Ever.
As a parent, one of my biggest fears is watching my child go through the same things that I struggled with. As I watch this world become colder and more critical, I want to ignite a confidence in my child that can't be dulled. No matter what anyone has to say to her.
More important than confidence, though, I want to instill in her a a genuine sense of self-awareness. For when you are self-aware, you truly can't be cut down by the words and thoughts of others. When you know your strengths and weaknesses intimately, you can take pride in what you do well and work on the things you lack. When you know yourself, others' perceptions of you cease to matter. This is what I want--for myself, for my daughter, for everyone. No one's words can hurt worse than the ones you tell yourself, so speak kindly and honestly.
"It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you." --Leon Brown
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Untitled
I've spent a long time going back and forth on whether I wanted to publish this post or not. I have felt embarrassed, ashamed and weak. I finally decided that I'm just going to put it all out there because a) I have no reason to be ashamed and b) if there is even the slightest chance that I can help someone going through a similar situation, I am JUMPING at the chance.
I hope this post is not met with any ill understanding, because I am just hoping to give light to an issue that I have dealt with (and continue to deal with), personally. Though my hope is that I will never have to see anyone in my life go through these things, I want to use this as an opportunity to share my hope to help anyone, in absolutely any way I can.
xoxo
I've dealt with depression for years. I've always been pretty open about it. I've mentioned it a few times in previous posts. It has been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Up until a few months ago, my depression was ~sufferable but endurable~. I lived with it. It got hard sometimes, I struggled through. I cried a lot. Felt completely numb other times. Was exhausted, always. And I had many, many times that I felt I just wanted to die.
In November, I was admitted to the hospital for four days because I was suicidal. I hit a new low that I had never even fathomed before. I did NOT want to endure the pain of living for a single second longer. In my mind, there was absolutely NO chance that things could get better.
I felt doomed. Like there was absolutely no hope.
I felt guilty. I would tell myself, "This is against my religion. This is a sin. This is wrong. I am a bad person for having these thoughts. Only bad people find solace in death."
I felt like a failure as a parent. I felt like my daughter was better off without me, that she deserved a mother who could be more present, a mother that could be happy, like I was "supposed to be."
I felt defeated. So unmotivated that I didn't even want to move.
I felt selfish. Like I was letting my daughter down. Spending too much time worrying about myself.
I felt ungrateful. I knew I had a wonderful life and so many things to be thankful for and happy about.
I felt ungrateful. I knew I had a wonderful life and so many things to be thankful for and happy about.
I felt embarrassed. I felt weak. I felt like I was less of a person because I had "allowed myself to get so bad."
To make a long story semi-short, I spent four days in the hospital with no connection to the outside world whatsoever, aside from my Mom coming to visit me during the evening visiting hours. I fought it, I had no desire to stay. I had no faith that any of it was going to get better. My loved ones pushed me to stay and take care of myself. It was, by far, the hardest thing emotionally, that I have ever been through. But it was, EASILY, the most important thing I have EVER done for myself. The doctors took amazing care of me, and got me to the point that my depression is now manageable.
However, my whole experience still leaves me feeling a bit uneasy--and here's why: The stigma of depression and other mental illnesses is just unreal. If someone is in the hospital with a broken leg, they receive an outpouring of love and support. When someone suffers with depression, the fact that the sickness cannot be seen seems to give people the idea that it is make-believe.
I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.At a time when people NEED love and support more than ever, they are met with shame and embarrassment. I am blessed beyond words because I have a wonderful, wonderful family and a few, select friends who have been overwhelmingly supportive. My fear is for the people who don't have that support. Because, even when you do have it, battling depression is still excruciating. Belittling what someone is going through just because their illness is not physical or visible is WRONG. More importantly, it cultivates the stigma and makes it harder for all of those dealing with depression to recover or even just treat it.
I didn't DO anything to myself to create this chemical imbalance.
I am not less of a person because my brain's chemicals are imbalanced.
I am not looking for pity or attention because the chemicals in my brain are imbalanced.
I hope this post is not met with any ill understanding, because I am just hoping to give light to an issue that I have dealt with (and continue to deal with), personally. Though my hope is that I will never have to see anyone in my life go through these things, I want to use this as an opportunity to share my hope to help anyone, in absolutely any way I can.
xoxo
Thursday, July 16, 2015
"Happiness. Not in another place, but this place..
...Not for another hour, but this hour." --Walt Whitman
Too many times in my life have I waited and waited for the "big day" to find happiness. I'll be happy if I can just graduate. I'll be happy if I can just get a job. I'll be happy if I just have a clean house.
Today I was driving home from the store. Dave Matthews Band was playing on the radio, the windows were down and I looked in the rearview mirror at a smiling May, reading her new Barbie book in the back seat. I thought to myself--this is it. This is pure happiness. This is what it's all about.
For me, it's the moment when the Keurig starts to gurgle, signaling a full fresh cup. It's the moment when Maylene says to me, "I knew you could do it, mom. My mama never gives up!" (talk about a heart melter). It's lying down in freshly clean sheets. It's feeling the grass under bare feet. It's the pains you get in your stomach from laughing too hard. For me, happiness is finding the pure, unadulterated beauty in the little moments. Looking back, it's easy to see. My hope is to recognize these moments more frequently and to bask in them for as long as I can. For, too often, I'm looking to the future instead of embracing what I have right now. And that, my friends, is a very full, good life.
Too many times in my life have I waited and waited for the "big day" to find happiness. I'll be happy if I can just graduate. I'll be happy if I can just get a job. I'll be happy if I just have a clean house.
Today I was driving home from the store. Dave Matthews Band was playing on the radio, the windows were down and I looked in the rearview mirror at a smiling May, reading her new Barbie book in the back seat. I thought to myself--this is it. This is pure happiness. This is what it's all about.
For me, it's the moment when the Keurig starts to gurgle, signaling a full fresh cup. It's the moment when Maylene says to me, "I knew you could do it, mom. My mama never gives up!" (talk about a heart melter). It's lying down in freshly clean sheets. It's feeling the grass under bare feet. It's the pains you get in your stomach from laughing too hard. For me, happiness is finding the pure, unadulterated beauty in the little moments. Looking back, it's easy to see. My hope is to recognize these moments more frequently and to bask in them for as long as I can. For, too often, I'm looking to the future instead of embracing what I have right now. And that, my friends, is a very full, good life.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
To The Person Who Has Never Lived With Depression: a PSA
There are just a few things that us, the collective "us," want you to know about our depression:
We would like you to stop telling us to be thankful for what we have. Being depressed doesn't mean we aren't thankful for our lives, our families, our friends, our homes, our belongings, etc. In fact, we feel things in such a way that we are so thankful for these blessings that sometimes we feel a heavy sense of guilt and undeserving. Our appreciation for the more meaningful things in life is sometimes the source of, and not the remedy for our depression.
We are going to push you away. We are going to test the limits of your love. We want to know how much we mean to our loved ones, we think it defines our worth. We wish we didn't have to be this way.
We have good days, too. We laugh, we smile, we joke. It doesn't mean the depression is "cured" or gone. It just means that maybe that day had clouds, but no rain.
I'm going to say it bluntly--sometimes being alive is exhausting. When your mind is endlessly running a million miles per hour, it is mentally draining. Every movement can be a stressor. Conversations can be overwhelming.
We're sick of being embarrassed and ashamed of something that we have little to no control over.
We're so glad that you're happy. Though we might be jealous of your happiness, we want you, more than anything, to be happy. Never in a million years would we wish you to feel the same as we do. We wouldn't wish it on our worst enemies. Though, all we want is someone to care enough to try to understand, try to understand that this is real.
And try to understand that we are trying. Every day, we are trying.
We would like you to stop telling us to be thankful for what we have. Being depressed doesn't mean we aren't thankful for our lives, our families, our friends, our homes, our belongings, etc. In fact, we feel things in such a way that we are so thankful for these blessings that sometimes we feel a heavy sense of guilt and undeserving. Our appreciation for the more meaningful things in life is sometimes the source of, and not the remedy for our depression.
We are going to push you away. We are going to test the limits of your love. We want to know how much we mean to our loved ones, we think it defines our worth. We wish we didn't have to be this way.
We have good days, too. We laugh, we smile, we joke. It doesn't mean the depression is "cured" or gone. It just means that maybe that day had clouds, but no rain.
I'm going to say it bluntly--sometimes being alive is exhausting. When your mind is endlessly running a million miles per hour, it is mentally draining. Every movement can be a stressor. Conversations can be overwhelming.
We're sick of being embarrassed and ashamed of something that we have little to no control over.
We're so glad that you're happy. Though we might be jealous of your happiness, we want you, more than anything, to be happy. Never in a million years would we wish you to feel the same as we do. We wouldn't wish it on our worst enemies. Though, all we want is someone to care enough to try to understand, try to understand that this is real.
And try to understand that we are trying. Every day, we are trying.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Just me
Recently, I was at the dentist's office with Maylene when the hygienist came out to bring us back, she questioned me, "is it just you with Maylene today?" I've gotten that a lot over the years. Signing up for parents' night at the preschool. Watching, by myself, at ballet class. Doctor's appointments. Hair cuts. Heck, being the only one who was alone, at nine months pregnant, for my birthing class. It's always been "just me."
I surely don't mean to say I haven't had help. I certainly have. And I certainly wouldn't have made it this far without all of the help, love and support from my family and friends. At least, not without losing all of my hair.
But it's always had a negative connotation. "Just" me. For anyone who doesn't know, deciding to become a single parent was THE single hardest decision I've ever made in my life. By a long shot. I still struggle with it often. But I don't regret it. Sometimes, the traditional way just doesn't happen. Sometimes, that's not what is best for everyone, most importantly the child. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be living my teenage fairy tale. Getting happily married, buying a house, having children. Just like anyone else, that was the order in which I pictured it.
But you know what? Life happens. And that's okay with me. I wouldn't have the deep appreciation for life, love, family, friends, education and money if life didn't happen the way that it did. And though I question and pray everyday that this path is what is best for Maylene, I know that it is. However non-traditional or non-ideal it may be, this is our life and we are happy with it.
I am happy that it is "just me" who gets to put her to bed at night and wake her up in the morning. I am happy that it is "just me" who gets to share the big smiles with her. And wipe away all of her tears. I am happy that I am the one she wakes up at 3AM when she has a bad dream. I am happy to deal with all of the whining and the tantrums. I am happy to hear her giggling in the backseat. I am happy that, in just 28 days, I will graduate from college and finally be able to give her the life she deserves. I am happy that she has shown "just me" the true importance of life.
I surely don't mean to say I haven't had help. I certainly have. And I certainly wouldn't have made it this far without all of the help, love and support from my family and friends. At least, not without losing all of my hair.
But it's always had a negative connotation. "Just" me. For anyone who doesn't know, deciding to become a single parent was THE single hardest decision I've ever made in my life. By a long shot. I still struggle with it often. But I don't regret it. Sometimes, the traditional way just doesn't happen. Sometimes, that's not what is best for everyone, most importantly the child. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be living my teenage fairy tale. Getting happily married, buying a house, having children. Just like anyone else, that was the order in which I pictured it.
But you know what? Life happens. And that's okay with me. I wouldn't have the deep appreciation for life, love, family, friends, education and money if life didn't happen the way that it did. And though I question and pray everyday that this path is what is best for Maylene, I know that it is. However non-traditional or non-ideal it may be, this is our life and we are happy with it.
I am happy that it is "just me" who gets to put her to bed at night and wake her up in the morning. I am happy that it is "just me" who gets to share the big smiles with her. And wipe away all of her tears. I am happy that I am the one she wakes up at 3AM when she has a bad dream. I am happy to deal with all of the whining and the tantrums. I am happy to hear her giggling in the backseat. I am happy that, in just 28 days, I will graduate from college and finally be able to give her the life she deserves. I am happy that she has shown "just me" the true importance of life.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
"The Only Way Out is Through"
I am not someone who sugarcoats things. I am a realist. Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes, there are bad times. Sometimes, there is pain and suffering. And I believe that, sometimes, the only way to get out is to take some time for mourning. People never want to tell you that. Because being anything other than constantly happy is a sign of weakness in our world. But I, for one, would never have gotten where I am now without all of my lows: learning from them, and moving on. And I expect to have many more. Just as I expect to have many more high points in my life. I think the hardest part about feeling low is wondering whether things will ever get better. There is also a difference between recognizing a hard time and dwelling on a hard time. I know, better than most, that it's not always easy to avoid the latter.
I thought I would share some things that have really helped me when I am feeling low. Some little, some bigger. They don't always work. And sometimes it's a push to get myself to do anything at all. Though these things are based on my personality and my own personal preferences, I think the common theme is that we need to slow down, step back, breathe, rationalize and practice some self care. I know I've talked about some of these things before but I'm gonna talk about them again.
Here they are:
I thought I would share some things that have really helped me when I am feeling low. Some little, some bigger. They don't always work. And sometimes it's a push to get myself to do anything at all. Though these things are based on my personality and my own personal preferences, I think the common theme is that we need to slow down, step back, breathe, rationalize and practice some self care. I know I've talked about some of these things before but I'm gonna talk about them again.
Here they are:
 |
| Maylene in a tree pose |
- Stepping outside and taking 3 minutes to breathe. Just breathe. No thinking, no worrying, no planning. Just breathing.
- Yoga. Staying calm is not one of my strengths. To say the least. But yoga has helped me with this tremendously. I also love yoga because it is a non-competitive way of challenging yourself. I'm proud of myself when I'm able to get into/hold poses that I wasn't able to before.
- Coffee dates with Maylene. I am going to be honest, I still struggle with taking time at home to set everything aside and give my daughter the attention she deserves. Our frequent coffee/hot chocolate dates give me a removed environment that allows me some peace of mind. I put my phone away (except for the occasional picture, of course), try to put my thoughts away and give her my full attention.
- Bike rides or hikes. That's a given. The older I get, the more I appreciate the beauty of nature. I breathe better when I'm outside. And the vastness of the wilderness reminds me that most of my problems are small and trivial in comparison.
- Reading. It takes my mind elsewhere.
- Writing. It gets all of my thoughts out of my mind and onto paper. Which can easily be set on fire. And burned.
- Thought replacement. I analyze some of my reoccurring thoughts, break them down and work to replace them with something that is more rational, realistic or positive.
- Turn up the music and dance or sing. Let it all out.
- Replace coffee with tea. Most of the time, I need coffee. But sometimes, the wired effect heightens all of my emotions and quickly turns into panic. Tea wakes me up and comforts me at the same time.
There are plenty more, but those are some of my favorites.
Trick-or-treating tonight! I will try to share some pictures later this week. Pretty excited about the costumes I have up my sleeve.
Trick-or-treating tonight! I will try to share some pictures later this week. Pretty excited about the costumes I have up my sleeve.
xoxo,
M
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| Mama and May yoga class |
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| Wheel pose |
Friday, September 19, 2014
Confessions of a Single Mom
According to my anxiety therapist, I'm supposed to be doing this thing where I actually give myself some credit as a mother and recognize the good things that I do. So I'm going to go ahead and toot my own horn for a minute: I haven't been doing so bad. I'm balancing full-time school--mind you, I overload on credits, so I'm actually taking more classes than the average student, part-time work, an internship AND, most importantly, single motherhood. Lately, my patience has improved. I'm not raising my voice or yelling. It's been several months since I've had to carry May sideways out of a store kicking and screaming. Most of my evenings are spent having long, fun conversations with May, reading books to her and/or going on one of our very special Starbucks dates. May is extremely intelligent and, for the majority of the time, she's sweethearted and kind to others. Come December, I will be part of the 1% of single mothers who earn a Bachelor's Degree. One percent! That's gotta mean I'm doing something alright, right?
Though mostly content with the person I have grown to be since becoming a mother, I'm not going to pretend like I don't have some major flaws. Here are a few confessions I have about my motherhood:
1. I make grilled cheese way too often.
2. I make PB&J way too often.
3. If May picks out a super long bedtime story, sometimes I summarize it & make up my own words instead of actually reading it.
4. I make hot dogs way too often.
5. I've used junk food to bribe her.
6. I'm always distracted at home with all the STUFF I have to do.
7. I feel guilty because I feel like we are always in a hurry to be somewhere.
8. I hate that the majority of "school type" things she has learned have been from her teachers and not from me.
9. I get frustrated way too easily. And when I'm in a bad mood I often take things out on her.
10. I hate how many times I've had to stick her in front of the TV in order to get things done.
11. Because she has been able to communicate well since she was so young, I often think of her as being older than she actually is. And my expectations are a little too high for her age.
12. I hate that my going to school has taken away so much of my time and energy with her.
13. No matter what I do, I never feel like I'm doing enough. It's just one of those things.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
A Letter to my Daughter
To My Maylene Margaret,
I'm going to tell you a hundred times to take my advice and learn from my mistakes, and you're going to ignore me a hundred and one. I know, because that's what I did to my mother. It might hurt like hell at the time, but I will still know that that is just what us daughters do.
Don't ever stop being bossy. They call it bossy, but I call it being in charge of your own life, feelings, circumstances, situations and standing up for yourself. Never back down when it comes to your instincts and beliefs. Always back down if it's just your pride standing in the way.
You are the most beautiful little girl that I have ever seen and I know that you will grow into a beautiful woman, as well. But always, always remember that being beautiful is never the most important thing that you can be. It is insignificant compared to being kind, loyal, honest, curious, compassionate and open-minded. Make sure those things always come first in your life.
Stay well-read. Even if you're not always reading an American literary classic, never lose your love of books and reading. Reading puts you in the shoes of others and allows you to walk around in them for a bit. Never let your inexperience with a certain situation cause you to form judgement of another person.
Allow yourself to have regrets, but do not dwell on them. Though we live in a world that tells us to have no regrets, to be human is to make mistakes. Allow yourself to move on. Always look for the lessons that can be learned from your mistakes.
Think for yourself. Don't let others tell you what you should or should not think.
Dance. Don't ever hold back because no one else is on the dance floor. You go out there and dance your heart out. If you don't, you'll wish you had.
And love. Never hold back from loving for the fear of losing love or getting hurt. Your highest highs will always be so much better than your lowest of lows. Always guard your heart, but always allow yourself to love. Though it is a paradox, it will someday make sense.
And always, always know that you might not be able to fathom my love for you until you have a child of your own, someday. The depths of my love for you, my child, are greater than words could ever express.
Always,
Your Mama
I'm going to tell you a hundred times to take my advice and learn from my mistakes, and you're going to ignore me a hundred and one. I know, because that's what I did to my mother. It might hurt like hell at the time, but I will still know that that is just what us daughters do.
Don't ever stop being bossy. They call it bossy, but I call it being in charge of your own life, feelings, circumstances, situations and standing up for yourself. Never back down when it comes to your instincts and beliefs. Always back down if it's just your pride standing in the way.
You are the most beautiful little girl that I have ever seen and I know that you will grow into a beautiful woman, as well. But always, always remember that being beautiful is never the most important thing that you can be. It is insignificant compared to being kind, loyal, honest, curious, compassionate and open-minded. Make sure those things always come first in your life.
Stay well-read. Even if you're not always reading an American literary classic, never lose your love of books and reading. Reading puts you in the shoes of others and allows you to walk around in them for a bit. Never let your inexperience with a certain situation cause you to form judgement of another person.
Allow yourself to have regrets, but do not dwell on them. Though we live in a world that tells us to have no regrets, to be human is to make mistakes. Allow yourself to move on. Always look for the lessons that can be learned from your mistakes.
Think for yourself. Don't let others tell you what you should or should not think.
Dance. Don't ever hold back because no one else is on the dance floor. You go out there and dance your heart out. If you don't, you'll wish you had.
And love. Never hold back from loving for the fear of losing love or getting hurt. Your highest highs will always be so much better than your lowest of lows. Always guard your heart, but always allow yourself to love. Though it is a paradox, it will someday make sense.
And always, always know that you might not be able to fathom my love for you until you have a child of your own, someday. The depths of my love for you, my child, are greater than words could ever express.
Always,
Your Mama
Monday, August 4, 2014
My Anti-Bucket List
While everyone spends so much time accumulating their bucket list, I thought it was about high time I made a list of things that I have successfully not done and hope to never do. Because when all else fails, my failure to do certain things might just be the key to keeping what sanity I have left.
This is my last week of Chemistry and I am elated by the thought. Anyone who enjoys drawing Lewis Structures is no friend of mine. In other news, I remembered to take salmon out of the freezer to thaw this morning. I guess you could say I'm a go-getter. Normally I forget to thaw something and we end up eating hot dogs for every meal. Those moms out there with everything all together (for example, all of their brain cells), they are mythical, superhero creatures. I broke four crayons just walking to the bathroom this morning. When I think about the state of our apartment, I start to break out into hives. But like I said, I try and that's all that matters.
Things I plan not to do:
1. Make anyone feel bad about the way they look.
2. Read the Twilight series
3. Read the Harry Potter series (sorry fans, just can't do it.)
4. Go to a Justin Bieber concert
5. Go bungee jumping. I'm good on that.
6. Be a Red Sox fan
7. Watch an entire game of golf
8. Read What to Expect When You're Expecting
9. Fall down a flight of stairs
10. Butt in front of someone in a line
11. Drop out of college
12. Not dance at a wedding reception (double negative!)
13. Go to a Nickelback concert
14. Enjoy eating olives
15. Hurt people's feelings on purpose
16. Make anyone feel stupid
17. Buy a Windows computer
18. Not say "bless you" when someone sneezes
19. Pull out in front of someone with my car
20. Become an Olympic swimmer (that, we all know, is just not in the stars for me)
These turned out to be less deep than I had originally planned. But hey, I try.
xo,
M
Monday, June 2, 2014
Summer goals
I'm a little late (better late than never!), but I'm collecting a list of my Mommy-and-May goals for this summer. Though it's gonna be a short one (boo on you, Chemistry!), I am determined to fit it all in. I'm not saying I'm Supermom, I'm just saying that Supermom and I have never been seen in the same room.
- Montour preserve (flat land hikes are easier on both mama and child)
- Creek studies, 'cause little creatures are COOL. And even cooler when they live in the water.
- Yoga for kids, partially because I know it's good for kids' brain development/health, and mostly because I want to buy this adorable little yoga mat.
- Bike rides with the child trailer. Yeah, I don't know what that thing is really called.
- Ballet lessons. This is happening because we're signing her up for classes tonight!
- Swimming lessons, continued.
- BEACH! (next week!!!) and hopefully the aquarium because that's all May has been talking about for weeks.
- Library visits (I guess I should pay for that book that I lost....)
My own personal goals include cooking more and whining less (not about cooking, just in general). I also hope to read more. If you're interested in the things I've been reading lately, you should checkout my handy book review website. I made that for one of my classes. While you're at it, you should scroll over the images of the books because it took me hours to figure out that jQuery effect. Which reminds me, my actual biggest goal for the summer is to finish my own personal website. I'm almost there. I did have something started but I hated it. So I started from scratch and should be done soon.
That's about it in the life of me.
xo
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Saturday Morning Thoughts
I've been thinking a lot lately. I guess that's not so out of the ordinary for me. I've always got a million things flowing through my brain. But lately I can't stop thinking about the future. Trying to picture myself in five years. Or even just a year from now. Things are definitely on the brink of changing. And while I'm a big wuss about change, I'm getting excited. It's like a big pit of nervousness and self-doubt in my stomach, mixed with the occasional burst of empowerment.
Apparently, as an almost-college-graduate, we're not allowed to talk about how scared we are. I never hear anyone else talk about it, anyway. So I'll be frank: I'm scared to death. Of failure. Of mediocrity. Of not getting to do what I want to do. Of taking a job that I hate just because I need the money or not being able to find a job and being broke and not being able to support my daughter while I watch the college loans pile up. There's lots to be worried about, if you ask me. So who knows which is better: denial or preparation. I'm trying to figure that one out.
I watched Jobs last night and I was actually really disappointed. Not by the movie, but by Steve Jobs himself. But the whole time I was watching it I was thinking, "this is what I want." Not to be a a total self-absorbed jerk like he was. But to do something big with my life. I want to change lives. I want to make something great. Make something different. Think harder, work harder and get back to being the creative little girl that I used to be.
When I was a kid, everyone was always telling me how "creative" I was. One of the problems, I guess, is that "creative" can mean a lot of different things for different people. But I think that, in school, we are "un-taught" our creativity. I know I lost mine in public school. I want it back. Luckily, I don't think that it's a natural-born trait really at all. I think that creativity is practiced. So, that's my goal. To practice being creative. Be my own person. That can be such a struggle for me, especially as a mother. It's like when you become a mother, every other mother in the tri-county area automatically assumes that they have free reign to judge your parenting. Oh, you let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you don't let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you let your child scream in the grocery store? Oh, you discipline your child in the grocery store? You never win when you're letting other people tell you how to be a parent. Or a student. Or an employee. Or how to be you.
So don't. Just let it all go. I don't know if I myself will ever be able to. It's the great struggle. But when we do, we can do great things.
And that's all I want for myself. I just want to be able to wake up every day knowing that I am working hard in everything that I do. Even if I never get anywhere "important" or own a big corporation, I just want to know that I am doing the best that I can and that I am being the best me.
Apparently, as an almost-college-graduate, we're not allowed to talk about how scared we are. I never hear anyone else talk about it, anyway. So I'll be frank: I'm scared to death. Of failure. Of mediocrity. Of not getting to do what I want to do. Of taking a job that I hate just because I need the money or not being able to find a job and being broke and not being able to support my daughter while I watch the college loans pile up. There's lots to be worried about, if you ask me. So who knows which is better: denial or preparation. I'm trying to figure that one out.
I watched Jobs last night and I was actually really disappointed. Not by the movie, but by Steve Jobs himself. But the whole time I was watching it I was thinking, "this is what I want." Not to be a a total self-absorbed jerk like he was. But to do something big with my life. I want to change lives. I want to make something great. Make something different. Think harder, work harder and get back to being the creative little girl that I used to be.
When I was a kid, everyone was always telling me how "creative" I was. One of the problems, I guess, is that "creative" can mean a lot of different things for different people. But I think that, in school, we are "un-taught" our creativity. I know I lost mine in public school. I want it back. Luckily, I don't think that it's a natural-born trait really at all. I think that creativity is practiced. So, that's my goal. To practice being creative. Be my own person. That can be such a struggle for me, especially as a mother. It's like when you become a mother, every other mother in the tri-county area automatically assumes that they have free reign to judge your parenting. Oh, you let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you don't let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you let your child scream in the grocery store? Oh, you discipline your child in the grocery store? You never win when you're letting other people tell you how to be a parent. Or a student. Or an employee. Or how to be you.
So don't. Just let it all go. I don't know if I myself will ever be able to. It's the great struggle. But when we do, we can do great things.
And that's all I want for myself. I just want to be able to wake up every day knowing that I am working hard in everything that I do. Even if I never get anywhere "important" or own a big corporation, I just want to know that I am doing the best that I can and that I am being the best me.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Seis de Mayo
The semester is finally winding down and thank goodness for that. I was dangerously close to losing all of my marbles. Although, after Friday I will only have one summer class and one semester left! If we're going to be honest, it's terrifying. Grown-up jobs. And more importantly, dreaded job interviews.
I keep typing up blog posts only to realize that I am too extremely lame to read about. I really just spend my days coding and watching Frozen, longing for the sunshine and outdoors. I was really excited to buy a bike that doesn't hurt my back to ride with my tax return money until I realized that I had to spend my entire tax return paying for my summer class. To make it worse, it's Chemistry! I'm actually paying to take Chemistry. It's an outrage. Oh, the silly things we do for a degree.
After work, Jason and I are taking May to the park to play some wiffle ball. On my way out the door, I realized I grabbed one of Maylene's plastic eggs from her kitchen instead of a wiffle ball. Great catch, mom. J broke his toe so he's just going to be our umpire, I've decided.
As we're starting to see more sunshine, May is getting more freckles! They're my favorite. Yesterday she said, "You're the most perfect mommy ever!" I'm writing this down as proof for her teenage years. I have a feeling they're going to be a doozy.
xoxo
I keep typing up blog posts only to realize that I am too extremely lame to read about. I really just spend my days coding and watching Frozen, longing for the sunshine and outdoors. I was really excited to buy a bike that doesn't hurt my back to ride with my tax return money until I realized that I had to spend my entire tax return paying for my summer class. To make it worse, it's Chemistry! I'm actually paying to take Chemistry. It's an outrage. Oh, the silly things we do for a degree.
After work, Jason and I are taking May to the park to play some wiffle ball. On my way out the door, I realized I grabbed one of Maylene's plastic eggs from her kitchen instead of a wiffle ball. Great catch, mom. J broke his toe so he's just going to be our umpire, I've decided.
As we're starting to see more sunshine, May is getting more freckles! They're my favorite. Yesterday she said, "You're the most perfect mommy ever!" I'm writing this down as proof for her teenage years. I have a feeling they're going to be a doozy.
 |
| My lil' freckle face |
xoxo
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