Saturday Morning Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately. I guess that's not so out of the ordinary for me. I've always got a million things flowing through my brain. But lately I can't stop thinking about the future. Trying to picture myself in five years. Or even just a year from now. Things are definitely on the brink of changing. And while I'm a big wuss about change, I'm getting excited. It's like a big pit of nervousness and self-doubt in my stomach, mixed with the occasional burst of empowerment.

Apparently, as an almost-college-graduate, we're not allowed to talk about how scared we are. I never hear anyone else talk about it, anyway. So I'll be frank: I'm scared to death. Of failure. Of mediocrity. Of not getting to do what I want to do. Of taking a job that I hate just because I need the money or not being able to find a job and being broke and not being able to support my daughter while I watch the college loans pile up. There's lots to be worried about, if you ask me. So who knows which is better: denial or preparation. I'm trying to figure that one out.

I watched Jobs last night and I was actually really disappointed. Not by the movie, but by Steve Jobs himself. But the whole time I was watching it I was thinking, "this is what I want." Not to be a a total self-absorbed jerk like he was. But to do something big with my life. I want to change lives. I want to make something great. Make something different. Think harder, work harder and get back to being the creative little girl that I used to be.

When I was a kid, everyone was always telling me how "creative" I was. One of the problems, I guess, is that "creative" can mean a lot of different things for different people. But I think that, in school, we are "un-taught" our creativity. I know I lost mine in public school. I want it back. Luckily, I don't think that it's a natural-born trait really at all. I think that creativity is practiced. So, that's my goal. To practice being creative. Be my own person. That can be such a struggle for me, especially as a mother. It's like when you become a mother, every other mother in the tri-county area automatically assumes that they have free reign to judge your parenting. Oh, you let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you don't let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you let your child scream in the grocery store? Oh, you discipline your child in the grocery store? You never win when you're letting other people tell you how to be a parent. Or a student. Or an employee. Or how to be you.

So don't. Just let it all go. I don't know if I myself will ever be able to. It's the great struggle. But when we do, we can do great things.
And that's all I want for myself. I just want to be able to wake up every day knowing that I am working hard in everything that I do. Even if I never get anywhere "important" or own a big corporation, I just want to know that I am doing the best that I can and that I am being the best me.