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I've spent a long time going back and forth on whether I wanted to publish this post or not. I have felt embarrassed, ashamed and weak. I finally decided that I'm just going to put it all out there because a) I have no reason to be ashamed and b) if there is even the slightest chance that I can help someone going through a similar situation, I am JUMPING at the chance.

I've dealt with depression for years. I've always been pretty open about it. I've mentioned it a few times in previous posts. It has been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember. Up until a few months ago, my depression was ~sufferable but endurable~. I lived with it. It got hard sometimes, I struggled through. I cried a lot. Felt completely numb other times. Was exhausted, always. And I had many, many times that I felt I just wanted to die.

In November, I was admitted to the hospital for four days because I was suicidal. I hit a new low that I had never even fathomed before. I did NOT want to endure the pain of living for a single second longer. In my mind, there was absolutely NO chance that things could get better.

I felt doomed. Like there was absolutely no hope.

I felt guilty. I would tell myself, "This is against my religion. This is a sin. This is wrong. I am a bad person for having these thoughts. Only bad people find solace in death."

I felt like a failure as a parent. I felt like my daughter was better off without me, that she deserved a mother who could be more present, a mother that could be happy, like I was "supposed to be."

I felt defeated. So unmotivated that I didn't even want to move.

I felt selfish. Like I was letting my daughter down. Spending too much time worrying about myself.
I felt ungrateful. I knew I had a wonderful life and so many things to be thankful for and happy about.

I felt embarrassed. I felt weak. I felt like I was less of a person because I had "allowed myself to get so bad."

To make a long story semi-short, I spent four days in the hospital with no connection to the outside world whatsoever, aside from my Mom coming to visit me during the evening visiting hours. I fought it, I had no desire to stay. I had no faith that any of it was going to get better. My loved ones pushed me to stay and take care of myself. It was, by far, the hardest thing emotionally, that I have ever been through. But it was, EASILY, the most important thing I have EVER done for myself. The doctors took amazing care of me, and got me to the point that my depression is now manageable.

However, my whole experience still leaves me feeling a bit uneasy--and here's why: The stigma of depression and other mental illnesses is just unreal. If someone is in the hospital with a broken leg, they receive an outpouring of love and support. When someone suffers with depression, the fact that the sickness cannot be seen seems to give people the idea that it is make-believe.

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I didn't DO anything to myself to create this chemical imbalance.
I am not less of a person because my brain's chemicals are imbalanced.
I am not looking for pity or attention because the chemicals in my brain are imbalanced.

At a time when people NEED love and support more than ever, they are met with shame and embarrassment. I am blessed beyond words because I have a wonderful, wonderful family and a few, select friends who have been overwhelmingly supportive. My fear is for the people who don't have that support. Because, even when you do have it, battling depression is still excruciating. Belittling what someone is going through just because their illness is not physical or visible is WRONG. More importantly, it cultivates the stigma and makes it harder for all of those dealing with depression to recover or even just treat it.

I hope this post is not met with any ill understanding, because I am just hoping to give light to an issue that I have dealt with (and continue to deal with), personally. Though my hope is that I will never have to see anyone in my life go through these things, I want to use this as an opportunity to share my hope to help anyone, in absolutely any way I can.

xoxo