If you're seeking help

It always takes a lot of back and forth in my head before I finally work up the courage to post these things. Because we say, "end the stigma" and have all these catchy taglines to promote opening up about mental health but at the end of the day, there's still a ton of stigma. I still have fears that people will look at me differently or that opening up about this will define me in the eyes of some. That I'll only be known for being the "depressed girl."

OH DAMN WELL, I guess.

I have a bit of a rant. They tell us to "get help" if we need it. To not be embarrassed to reach out. What they don't tell you is HOW HARD IT IS TO GET appropriate help. I have struggled with major depressive disorder since high school (over ten years) and I have gotten to see an actual psychiatrist ONCE. And that was ONLY when I was admitted to inpatient mental health facilities, three years ago. AND LET ME TELL YOU it hasn't been from a lack of trying. I have had constant back and forth. Waiting lists, endless referrals, appointments with primary care doctors and lots of therapy with a bunch of referrals and you have to do nothing short of TREKKING TO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM IN MORDOR in order to be seen by someone who actually knows anything about the PSYCHOLOGY OF THE BRAIN (in my geographical area).

I have said this before, I think suicide prevention hotlines are fantastic and very important but these are volunteers guiding you through a very specific temporary crisis. These are not doctors in the mental health field that know the psychology of the brain. So, they tell you to get help. But they won't tell you how hard it is to find the help that actually gets to the root of the issues, TREATS the illness and doesn't just talk you down from an EXTREMELY vital, but temporary moment. Depression is not ONLY being suicidal. There are many other DEBILITATING symptoms of depression, that need to be appropriately treated. I have done a ton of research, and I won't ever claim to be a doctor in the field but I will say I do know a decent amount on the subject. Therapy helps and it works but when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, it is only one half of the equation. They will tell you that themselves. That is, if you can even find a decent one. When I was discharged from inpatient behavioral health three years ago, I was set up with an outpatient "counselor" to continue therapy.

When I walked into the door for my first session, this man's first words to me were, "You look fine. What's SO BAD about your life?" His tone was extremely patronizing.

Um. Well, sir. I'm no health professional, I thought that's what YOU were supposed to be, but I've been told it's my brain. Not my "life." I was absolutely appalled. I never went back.

Another nurse I went to told me that I should scream into a pillow. That it always helped her when she was feeling "blue." I'm not feeling BLUE lady, I am battling a constant stream of cognitive distortions in my head AT AN ALARMING RATE BECAUSE THE CHEMICALS IN MY BRAIN ARE MISALIGNED.

Call me crazy but these miseducated "health professionals" weren't exactly the kind of people I wanted to open up to. Especially when I seemed to know more about the mental disorder than they did. They seemed to have no inkling of a clue about the science of DEPRESSION. (Don't get me wrong, there are definitely some really good therapists in the area who care about their patients, too.)

And when they make you jump through all these hoops. When your insurance doesn't cover shit. When you have to pay out of pocket. Or try eighteen different therapists. Spend days and weeks on the phone with insurance companies. I mean.. ain't none of that HELPING anybody's mental health, the stress of it all. It's so easy to give up on the system. ESPECIALLY since rates of depression are much higher among those living in poverty, they get stuck in an endless cycle because many do not have insurance and cannot pay out of pocket. When you're struggling to keep the heat on and a roof over your head, it is damn near impossible to make mental health a priority. And that's when people need it the most.

I don't know if it is the same in other areas, but I know my area has an EXTREME shortage of psychiatrists and I guess there's not much they can do if there is simply no one to be seeing patients but it's UNACCEPTABLE.

We lose people to suicide and then we tell people to get help but it isn't that simple. Getting to the bottom of things can take YEARS. It has for me. Things have compounded and gotten much worse over time, as they tend to do when left untreated. And to expect people to have that kind of time when they are dealing with something so serious is just atrocious.

I don't know the answer, I really don't. I encourage you to be persistent and keep trying if you are dealing with anything similar. I hope this process gets easier. Your life is just too precious to give up, even if it can be extremely frustrating.

PLEASE don't think I'm discouraging anyone from getting help. PLEASE!!!!! DO!!!! I am writing this to educate some and to share my experience. So that when we share these "take care of yourself, get help!" memes, everyone can be a little more aware that there is more to it than just walking in somewhere and ~getting~ the help.

And now, more than ever, be a support to the people in your lives because sometimes the professional help they need isn't as easy to get as everyone would like to make you think.