"The Only Way Out is Through"

I am not someone who sugarcoats things. I am a realist. Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes, there are bad times. Sometimes, there is pain and suffering. And I believe that, sometimes, the only way to get out is to take some time for mourning. People never want to tell you that. Because being anything other than constantly happy is a sign of weakness in our world. But I, for one, would never have gotten where I am now without all of my lows: learning from them, and moving on. And I expect to have many more. Just as I expect to have many more high points in my life. I think the hardest part about feeling low is wondering whether things will ever get better. There is also a difference between recognizing a hard time and dwelling on a hard time. I know, better than most, that it's not always easy to avoid the latter.

I thought I would share some things that have really helped me when I am feeling low. Some little, some bigger. They don't always work. And sometimes it's a push to get myself to do anything at all. Though these things are based on my personality and my own personal preferences, I think the common theme is that we need to slow down, step back, breathe, rationalize and practice some self care. I know I've talked about some of these things before but I'm gonna talk about them again.

Here they are:

Maylene in a tree pose

• Stepping outside and taking 3 minutes to breathe. Just breathe. No thinking, no worrying, no planning. Just breathing.
• Yoga. Staying calm is not one of my strengths. To say the least. But yoga has helped me with this tremendously. I also love yoga because it is a non-competitive way of challenging yourself. I'm proud of myself when I'm able to get into/hold poses that I wasn't able to before.
• Coffee dates with Maylene. I am going to be honest, I still struggle with taking time at home to set everything aside and give my daughter the attention she deserves. Our frequent coffee/hot chocolate dates give me a removed environment that allows me some peace of mind. I put my phone away (except for the occasional picture, of course), try to put my thoughts away and give her my full attention.
• Bike rides or hikes. That's a given. The older I get, the more I appreciate the beauty of nature. I breathe better when I'm outside. And the vastness of the wilderness reminds me that most of my problems are small and trivial in comparison.
• Reading. It takes my mind elsewhere.
• Writing. It gets all of my thoughts out of my mind and onto paper. Which can easily be set on fire. And burned.
• Thought replacement. I analyze some of my reoccurring thoughts, break them down and work to replace them with something that is more rational, realistic or positive.
• Turn up the music and dance or sing. Let it all out.
• Replace coffee with tea. Most of the time, I need coffee. But sometimes, the wired effect heightens all of my emotions and quickly turns into panic. Tea wakes me up and comforts me at the same time. 

There are plenty more, but those are some of my favorites.
Trick-or-treating tonight! I will try to share some pictures later this week. Pretty excited about the costumes I have up my sleeve.

xoxo,

M

Mama and May yoga class

Wheel pose

Confessions of a Single Mom

According to my anxiety therapist, I'm supposed to be doing this thing where I actually give myself some credit as a mother and recognize the good things that I do. So I'm going to go ahead and toot my own horn for a minute: I haven't been doing so bad. I'm balancing full-time school--mind you, I overload on credits, so I'm actually taking more classes than the average student, part-time work, an internship AND, most importantly, single motherhood. Lately, my patience has improved. I'm not raising my voice or yelling. It's been several months since I've had to carry May sideways out of a store kicking and screaming. Most of my evenings are spent having long, fun conversations with May, reading books to her and/or going on one of our very special Starbucks dates. May is extremely intelligent and, for the majority of the time, she's sweethearted and kind to others. Come December, I will be part of the 1% of single mothers who earn a Bachelor's Degree. One percent! That's gotta mean I'm doing something alright, right?

Though mostly content with the person I have grown to be since becoming a mother, I'm not going to pretend like I don't have some major flaws. Here are a few confessions I have about my motherhood:

1. I make grilled cheese way too often.

2. I make PB&J way too often.

3. If May picks out a super long bedtime story, sometimes I summarize it & make up my own words instead of actually reading it.

4. I make hot dogs way too often.

5. I've used junk food to bribe her.

6. I'm always distracted at home with all the STUFF I have to do.

7. I feel guilty because I feel like we are always in a hurry to be somewhere.

8. I hate that the majority of "school type" things she has learned have been from her teachers and not from me.

9. I get frustrated way too easily. And when I'm in a bad mood I often take things out on her.

10. I hate how many times I've had to stick her in front of the TV in order to get things done.

11. Because she has been able to communicate well since she was so young, I often think of her as being older than she actually is. And my expectations are a little too high for her age.

12. I hate that my going to school has taken away so much of my time and energy with her.

13. No matter what I do, I never feel like I'm doing enough. It's just one of those things.

A Letter to my Daughter

To My Maylene Margaret,

I'm going to tell you a hundred times to take my advice and learn from my mistakes, and you're going to ignore me a hundred and one. I know, because that's what I did to my mother. It might hurt like hell at the time, but I will still know that that is just what us daughters do.

Don't ever stop being bossy. They call it bossy, but I call it being in charge of your own life, feelings, circumstances, situations and standing up for yourself. Never back down when it comes to your instincts and beliefs. Always back down if it's just your pride standing in the way.

You are the most beautiful little girl that I have ever seen and I know that you will grow into a beautiful woman, as well. But always, always remember that being beautiful is never the most important thing that you can be. It is insignificant compared to being kind, loyal, honest, curious, compassionate and open-minded. Make sure those things always come first in your life.

Stay well-read. Even if you're not always reading an American literary classic, never lose your love of books and reading. Reading puts you in the shoes of others and allows you to walk around in them for a bit. Never let your inexperience with a certain situation cause you to form judgement of another person.

Allow yourself to have regrets, but do not dwell on them. Though we live in a world that tells us to have no regrets, to be human is to make mistakes. Allow yourself to move on. Always look for the lessons that can be learned from your mistakes.

Think for yourself. Don't let others tell you what you should or should not think.

Dance. Don't ever hold back because no one else is on the dance floor. You go out there and dance your heart out. If you don't, you'll wish you had.

And love. Never hold back from loving for the fear of losing love or getting hurt. Your highest highs will always be so much better than your lowest of lows. Always guard your heart, but always allow yourself to love. Though it is a paradox, it will someday make sense.

And always, always know that you might not be able to fathom my love for you until you have a child of your own, someday. The depths of my love for you, my child, are greater than words could ever express.

Always,
Your Mama

My Anti-Bucket List

While everyone spends so much time accumulating their bucket list, I thought it was about high time I made a list of things that I have successfully not done and hope to never do. Because when all else fails, my failure to do certain things might just be the key to keeping what sanity I have left.

Things I plan not to do:

1. Make anyone feel bad about the way they look.

2. Read the Twilight series

3. Read the Harry Potter series (sorry fans, just can't do it.)

4. Go to a Justin Bieber concert

5. Go bungee jumping. I'm good on that.

6. Be a Red Sox fan

7. Watch an entire game of golf

8. Read What to Expect When You're Expecting

9. Fall down a flight of stairs

10. Butt in front of someone in a line

11. Drop out of college

12. Not dance at a wedding reception (double negative!)

13. Go to a Nickelback concert

14. Enjoy eating olives

15. Hurt people's feelings on purpose

16. Make anyone feel stupid

17. Buy a Windows computer

18. Not say "bless you" when someone sneezes

19. Pull out in front of someone with my car

20. Become an Olympic swimmer (that, we all know, is just not in the stars for me)

These turned out to be less deep than I had originally planned. But hey, I try. 

This is my last week of Chemistry and I am elated by the thought. Anyone who enjoys drawing Lewis Structures is no friend of mine. In other news, I remembered to take salmon out of the freezer to thaw this morning. I guess you could say I'm a go-getter. Normally I forget to thaw something and we end up eating hot dogs for every meal. Those moms out there with everything all together (for example, all of their brain cells), they are mythical, superhero creatures. I broke four crayons just walking to the bathroom this morning. When I think about the state of our apartment, I start to break out into hives. But like I said, I try and that's all that matters.

xo,

M

Summer goals

I'm a little late (better late than never!), but I'm collecting a list of my Mommy-and-May goals for this summer. Though it's gonna be a short one (boo on you, Chemistry!), I am determined to fit it all in. I'm not saying I'm Supermom, I'm just saying that Supermom and I have never been seen in the same room.

• Montour preserve (flat land hikes are easier on both mama and child)
• Creek studies, 'cause little creatures are COOL. And even cooler when they live in the water.
• Yoga for kids, partially because I know it's good for kids' brain development/health, and mostly because I want to buy this adorable little yoga mat.
• Bike rides with the child trailer. Yeah, I don't know what that thing is really called.
• Ballet lessons. This is happening because we're signing her up for classes tonight!
• Swimming lessons, continued.
• BEACH! (next week!!!) and hopefully the aquarium because that's all May has been talking about for weeks.
• Library visits (I guess I should pay for that book that I lost....)

My own personal goals include cooking more and whining less (not about cooking, just in general). I also hope to read more. If you're interested in the things I've been reading lately, you should checkout my handy book review website. I made that for one of my classes. While you're at it, you should scroll over the images of the books because it took me hours to figure out that jQuery effect. Which reminds me, my actual biggest goal for the summer is to finish my own personal website. I'm almost there. I did have something started but I hated it. So I started from scratch and should be done soon.

That's about it in the life of me.

xo

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately. I guess that's not so out of the ordinary for me. I've always got a million things flowing through my brain. But lately I can't stop thinking about the future. Trying to picture myself in five years. Or even just a year from now. Things are definitely on the brink of changing. And while I'm a big wuss about change, I'm getting excited. It's like a big pit of nervousness and self-doubt in my stomach, mixed with the occasional burst of empowerment.

Apparently, as an almost-college-graduate, we're not allowed to talk about how scared we are. I never hear anyone else talk about it, anyway. So I'll be frank: I'm scared to death. Of failure. Of mediocrity. Of not getting to do what I want to do. Of taking a job that I hate just because I need the money or not being able to find a job and being broke and not being able to support my daughter while I watch the college loans pile up. There's lots to be worried about, if you ask me. So who knows which is better: denial or preparation. I'm trying to figure that one out.

I watched Jobs last night and I was actually really disappointed. Not by the movie, but by Steve Jobs himself. But the whole time I was watching it I was thinking, "this is what I want." Not to be a a total self-absorbed jerk like he was. But to do something big with my life. I want to change lives. I want to make something great. Make something different. Think harder, work harder and get back to being the creative little girl that I used to be.

When I was a kid, everyone was always telling me how "creative" I was. One of the problems, I guess, is that "creative" can mean a lot of different things for different people. But I think that, in school, we are "un-taught" our creativity. I know I lost mine in public school. I want it back. Luckily, I don't think that it's a natural-born trait really at all. I think that creativity is practiced. So, that's my goal. To practice being creative. Be my own person. That can be such a struggle for me, especially as a mother. It's like when you become a mother, every other mother in the tri-county area automatically assumes that they have free reign to judge your parenting. Oh, you let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you don't let your child play in the dirt? Oh, you let your child scream in the grocery store? Oh, you discipline your child in the grocery store? You never win when you're letting other people tell you how to be a parent. Or a student. Or an employee. Or how to be you.

So don't. Just let it all go. I don't know if I myself will ever be able to. It's the great struggle. But when we do, we can do great things.
And that's all I want for myself. I just want to be able to wake up every day knowing that I am working hard in everything that I do. Even if I never get anywhere "important" or own a big corporation, I just want to know that I am doing the best that I can and that I am being the best me.

Seis de Mayo

The semester is finally winding down and thank goodness for that. I was dangerously close to losing all of my marbles. Although, after Friday I will only have one summer class and one semester left! If we're going to be honest, it's terrifying. Grown-up jobs. And more importantly, dreaded job interviews.

I keep typing up blog posts only to realize that I am too extremely lame to read about. I really just spend my days coding and watching Frozen, longing for the sunshine and outdoors. I was really excited to buy a bike that doesn't hurt my back to ride with my tax return money until I realized that I had to spend my entire tax return paying for my summer class. To make it worse, it's Chemistry! I'm actually paying to take Chemistry. It's an outrage. Oh, the silly things we do for a degree.

After work, Jason and I are taking May to the park to play some wiffle ball. On my way out the door, I realized I grabbed one of Maylene's plastic eggs from her kitchen instead of a wiffle ball. Great catch, mom. J broke his toe so he's just going to be our umpire, I've decided.

As we're starting to see more sunshine, May is getting more freckles! They're my favorite. Yesterday she said, "You're the most perfect mommy ever!" I'm writing this down as proof for her teenage years. I have a feeling they're going to be a doozy.

My lil' freckle face

xoxo