To The Person Who Has Never Lived With Depression: a PSA

There are just a few things that us, the collective "us," want you to know about our depression:

We would like you to stop telling us to be thankful for what we have. Being depressed doesn't mean we aren't thankful for our lives, our families, our friends, our homes, our belongings, etc. In fact, we feel things in such a way that we are so thankful for these blessings that sometimes we feel a heavy sense of guilt and undeserving. Our appreciation for the more meaningful things in life is sometimes the source of, and not the remedy for our depression.

We are going to push you away. We are going to test the limits of your love. We want to know how much we mean to our loved ones, we think it defines our worth. We wish we didn't have to be this way.

We have good days, too. We laugh, we smile, we joke. It doesn't mean the depression is "cured" or gone. It just means that maybe that day had clouds, but no rain.

I'm going to say it bluntly--sometimes being alive is exhausting. When your mind is endlessly running a million miles per hour, it is mentally draining. Every movement can be a stressor. Conversations can be overwhelming.

We're sick of being embarrassed and ashamed of something that we have little to no control over.

We're so glad that you're happy. Though we might be jealous of your happiness, we want you, more than anything, to be happy. Never in a million years would we wish you to feel the same as we do. We wouldn't wish it on our worst enemies. Though, all we want is someone to care enough to try to understand, try to understand that this is real.

And try to understand that we are trying. Every day, we are trying.

Just me

Recently, I was at the dentist's office with Maylene when the hygienist came out to bring us back, she questioned me, "is it just you with Maylene today?" I've gotten that a lot over the years. Signing up for parents' night at the preschool. Watching, by myself, at ballet class. Doctor's appointments. Hair cuts. Heck, being the only one who was alone, at nine months pregnant, for my birthing class. It's always been "just me."

I surely don't mean to say I haven't had help. I certainly have. And I certainly wouldn't have made it this far without all of the help, love and support from my family and friends. At least, not without losing all of my hair.

But it's always had a negative connotation. "Just" me. For anyone who doesn't know, deciding to become a single parent was THE single hardest decision I've ever made in my life. By a long shot. I still struggle with it often. But I don't regret it. Sometimes, the traditional way just doesn't happen. Sometimes, that's not what is best for everyone, most importantly the child. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be living my teenage fairy tale. Getting happily married, buying a house, having children. Just like anyone else, that was the order in which I pictured it.

But you know what? Life happens. And that's okay with me. I wouldn't have the deep appreciation for life, love, family, friends, education and money if life didn't happen the way that it did. And though I question and pray everyday that this path is what is best for Maylene, I know that it is. However non-traditional or non-ideal it may be, this is our life and we are happy with it.

I am happy that it is "just me" who gets to put her to bed at night and wake her up in the morning. I am happy that it is "just me" who gets to share the big smiles with her. And wipe away all of her tears. I am happy that I am the one she wakes up at 3AM when she has a bad dream. I am happy to deal with all of the whining and the tantrums. I am happy to hear her giggling in the backseat. I am happy that, in just 28 days, I will graduate from college and finally be able to give her the life she deserves. I am happy that she has shown "just me" the true importance of life.

"The Only Way Out is Through"

I am not someone who sugarcoats things. I am a realist. Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes, there are bad times. Sometimes, there is pain and suffering. And I believe that, sometimes, the only way to get out is to take some time for mourning. People never want to tell you that. Because being anything other than constantly happy is a sign of weakness in our world. But I, for one, would never have gotten where I am now without all of my lows: learning from them, and moving on. And I expect to have many more. Just as I expect to have many more high points in my life. I think the hardest part about feeling low is wondering whether things will ever get better. There is also a difference between recognizing a hard time and dwelling on a hard time. I know, better than most, that it's not always easy to avoid the latter.

I thought I would share some things that have really helped me when I am feeling low. Some little, some bigger. They don't always work. And sometimes it's a push to get myself to do anything at all. Though these things are based on my personality and my own personal preferences, I think the common theme is that we need to slow down, step back, breathe, rationalize and practice some self care. I know I've talked about some of these things before but I'm gonna talk about them again.

Here they are:

Maylene in a tree pose

• Stepping outside and taking 3 minutes to breathe. Just breathe. No thinking, no worrying, no planning. Just breathing.
• Yoga. Staying calm is not one of my strengths. To say the least. But yoga has helped me with this tremendously. I also love yoga because it is a non-competitive way of challenging yourself. I'm proud of myself when I'm able to get into/hold poses that I wasn't able to before.
• Coffee dates with Maylene. I am going to be honest, I still struggle with taking time at home to set everything aside and give my daughter the attention she deserves. Our frequent coffee/hot chocolate dates give me a removed environment that allows me some peace of mind. I put my phone away (except for the occasional picture, of course), try to put my thoughts away and give her my full attention.
• Bike rides or hikes. That's a given. The older I get, the more I appreciate the beauty of nature. I breathe better when I'm outside. And the vastness of the wilderness reminds me that most of my problems are small and trivial in comparison.
• Reading. It takes my mind elsewhere.
• Writing. It gets all of my thoughts out of my mind and onto paper. Which can easily be set on fire. And burned.
• Thought replacement. I analyze some of my reoccurring thoughts, break them down and work to replace them with something that is more rational, realistic or positive.
• Turn up the music and dance or sing. Let it all out.
• Replace coffee with tea. Most of the time, I need coffee. But sometimes, the wired effect heightens all of my emotions and quickly turns into panic. Tea wakes me up and comforts me at the same time. 

There are plenty more, but those are some of my favorites.
Trick-or-treating tonight! I will try to share some pictures later this week. Pretty excited about the costumes I have up my sleeve.

xoxo,

M

Mama and May yoga class

Wheel pose

Confessions of a Single Mom

According to my anxiety therapist, I'm supposed to be doing this thing where I actually give myself some credit as a mother and recognize the good things that I do. So I'm going to go ahead and toot my own horn for a minute: I haven't been doing so bad. I'm balancing full-time school--mind you, I overload on credits, so I'm actually taking more classes than the average student, part-time work, an internship AND, most importantly, single motherhood. Lately, my patience has improved. I'm not raising my voice or yelling. It's been several months since I've had to carry May sideways out of a store kicking and screaming. Most of my evenings are spent having long, fun conversations with May, reading books to her and/or going on one of our very special Starbucks dates. May is extremely intelligent and, for the majority of the time, she's sweethearted and kind to others. Come December, I will be part of the 1% of single mothers who earn a Bachelor's Degree. One percent! That's gotta mean I'm doing something alright, right?

Though mostly content with the person I have grown to be since becoming a mother, I'm not going to pretend like I don't have some major flaws. Here are a few confessions I have about my motherhood:

1. I make grilled cheese way too often.

2. I make PB&J way too often.

3. If May picks out a super long bedtime story, sometimes I summarize it & make up my own words instead of actually reading it.

4. I make hot dogs way too often.

5. I've used junk food to bribe her.

6. I'm always distracted at home with all the STUFF I have to do.

7. I feel guilty because I feel like we are always in a hurry to be somewhere.

8. I hate that the majority of "school type" things she has learned have been from her teachers and not from me.

9. I get frustrated way too easily. And when I'm in a bad mood I often take things out on her.

10. I hate how many times I've had to stick her in front of the TV in order to get things done.

11. Because she has been able to communicate well since she was so young, I often think of her as being older than she actually is. And my expectations are a little too high for her age.

12. I hate that my going to school has taken away so much of my time and energy with her.

13. No matter what I do, I never feel like I'm doing enough. It's just one of those things.

A Letter to my Daughter

To My Maylene Margaret,

I'm going to tell you a hundred times to take my advice and learn from my mistakes, and you're going to ignore me a hundred and one. I know, because that's what I did to my mother. It might hurt like hell at the time, but I will still know that that is just what us daughters do.

Don't ever stop being bossy. They call it bossy, but I call it being in charge of your own life, feelings, circumstances, situations and standing up for yourself. Never back down when it comes to your instincts and beliefs. Always back down if it's just your pride standing in the way.

You are the most beautiful little girl that I have ever seen and I know that you will grow into a beautiful woman, as well. But always, always remember that being beautiful is never the most important thing that you can be. It is insignificant compared to being kind, loyal, honest, curious, compassionate and open-minded. Make sure those things always come first in your life.

Stay well-read. Even if you're not always reading an American literary classic, never lose your love of books and reading. Reading puts you in the shoes of others and allows you to walk around in them for a bit. Never let your inexperience with a certain situation cause you to form judgement of another person.

Allow yourself to have regrets, but do not dwell on them. Though we live in a world that tells us to have no regrets, to be human is to make mistakes. Allow yourself to move on. Always look for the lessons that can be learned from your mistakes.

Think for yourself. Don't let others tell you what you should or should not think.

Dance. Don't ever hold back because no one else is on the dance floor. You go out there and dance your heart out. If you don't, you'll wish you had.

And love. Never hold back from loving for the fear of losing love or getting hurt. Your highest highs will always be so much better than your lowest of lows. Always guard your heart, but always allow yourself to love. Though it is a paradox, it will someday make sense.

And always, always know that you might not be able to fathom my love for you until you have a child of your own, someday. The depths of my love for you, my child, are greater than words could ever express.

Always,
Your Mama

My Anti-Bucket List

While everyone spends so much time accumulating their bucket list, I thought it was about high time I made a list of things that I have successfully not done and hope to never do. Because when all else fails, my failure to do certain things might just be the key to keeping what sanity I have left.

Things I plan not to do:

1. Make anyone feel bad about the way they look.

2. Read the Twilight series

3. Read the Harry Potter series (sorry fans, just can't do it.)

4. Go to a Justin Bieber concert

5. Go bungee jumping. I'm good on that.

6. Be a Red Sox fan

7. Watch an entire game of golf

8. Read What to Expect When You're Expecting

9. Fall down a flight of stairs

10. Butt in front of someone in a line

11. Drop out of college

12. Not dance at a wedding reception (double negative!)

13. Go to a Nickelback concert

14. Enjoy eating olives

15. Hurt people's feelings on purpose

16. Make anyone feel stupid

17. Buy a Windows computer

18. Not say "bless you" when someone sneezes

19. Pull out in front of someone with my car

20. Become an Olympic swimmer (that, we all know, is just not in the stars for me)

These turned out to be less deep than I had originally planned. But hey, I try. 

This is my last week of Chemistry and I am elated by the thought. Anyone who enjoys drawing Lewis Structures is no friend of mine. In other news, I remembered to take salmon out of the freezer to thaw this morning. I guess you could say I'm a go-getter. Normally I forget to thaw something and we end up eating hot dogs for every meal. Those moms out there with everything all together (for example, all of their brain cells), they are mythical, superhero creatures. I broke four crayons just walking to the bathroom this morning. When I think about the state of our apartment, I start to break out into hives. But like I said, I try and that's all that matters.

xo,

M

Summer goals

I'm a little late (better late than never!), but I'm collecting a list of my Mommy-and-May goals for this summer. Though it's gonna be a short one (boo on you, Chemistry!), I am determined to fit it all in. I'm not saying I'm Supermom, I'm just saying that Supermom and I have never been seen in the same room.

• Montour preserve (flat land hikes are easier on both mama and child)
• Creek studies, 'cause little creatures are COOL. And even cooler when they live in the water.
• Yoga for kids, partially because I know it's good for kids' brain development/health, and mostly because I want to buy this adorable little yoga mat.
• Bike rides with the child trailer. Yeah, I don't know what that thing is really called.
• Ballet lessons. This is happening because we're signing her up for classes tonight!
• Swimming lessons, continued.
• BEACH! (next week!!!) and hopefully the aquarium because that's all May has been talking about for weeks.
• Library visits (I guess I should pay for that book that I lost....)

My own personal goals include cooking more and whining less (not about cooking, just in general). I also hope to read more. If you're interested in the things I've been reading lately, you should checkout my handy book review website. I made that for one of my classes. While you're at it, you should scroll over the images of the books because it took me hours to figure out that jQuery effect. Which reminds me, my actual biggest goal for the summer is to finish my own personal website. I'm almost there. I did have something started but I hated it. So I started from scratch and should be done soon.

That's about it in the life of me.

xo