Marie Howey: A Work in Progress, Forever

After Maylene was born, I spent many years resenting people. Many years. Resenting people for not understanding me, resenting people for not being able to relate, resenting people for my own feeling that I didn't belong. I felt I didn't belong with my own peers and I felt I didn't belong with "traditional" moms, either.

To this day, I don't think I know anyone who has had the same exact life experiences that I have.
I don't personally know other single mothers who were, at 20 years old, in a seemingly stable relationship, got pregnant, got cheated on, raised an infant alone while simultaneously earning a Bachelor's degree while working two jobs and battling depression. I don't know other people who have struggled in the same specific ways financially, emotionally and mentally that I have. That's not to say I am soooOoo unique in my scenario, I only mean the specific circumstances. But the difference is that now I understand I'm not supposed to. No one's life experiences are exactly the same. That is the beauty and that is the pain.

(..I promise you, this isn't a "woe is me" post.)

I hated going to class. I hated going to work. I hated being around people who, I thought, didn't know how good they had it. I resented them for being able to get a full night's sleep before their 8am. I resented them for being able to afford nice clothes. I resented them for having age-appropriate issues to talk about when my life felt so unrelatable. I grew apart from friends, I resented them for being able to live the fresh 21 life. I resented their freedom. I'm not proud to say that, but it's true.

But the thing is.. I know many people who have struggled in many different ways. My struggle isn't the only struggle by a LOOOONG shot. My story isn't the only story. I know people with similar stories and I know people with vastly different stories. I know people who have had it MUCH worse and I know people who have had it much easier. But it's all relative, really.

I look back today and I thank God my life unraveled exactly as it has. Because that is MY story. It belongs to me and no one else. Just as your's belongs to you. It doesn't make me better than anyone else. It doesn't make me stronger than anyone else. It has made me, and continues to make me, a better version of me and that is what my life is for.

Too often, for too long, I based my life's story on someone else's perception of me. That is just noooot what it's all about, y'all. That is why I have always struggled so badly with things like social media. The surface, the comparison.

What took me ages to realize, I mean really realize, is that our lives are not for comparison. I was born to be me and you were born to be you. That, to me, will always be the beauty of it. I have and will continue to learn the lessons that were meant for me.

In my naivety, I became wiser.
In being insecure, I became an open book.
In betrayal, I learned how to love.
In hardship, I learned gratitude.
In depression, I learned to fall in love with life through the little things.
In selfishness, I learned the importance of the people in my life.
In regret, I learned how to get better at apologizing.
In accepting my humanity, I learned that I can make endless mistakes and still strive to be the best version of myself, every day.

I try not to feel that resentment or envy anymore; because we all do at one point or another. It feels so much better when you're able to trust that each and every one of us is constantly learning, living and writing a unique story of our own. We don't all have the same experiences and THANK GOD for that. What a boring world that would be.

It's never too late to admit you're kind of an asshole. Allow your experiences to shape you and fuel your growth. Turns out, alienating yourself with self-pity ain't so fun (or worth it).