Up until several months ago, "love," romantic love, had not been kind to me. "Love" was toxic. Deceitful, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive, belittling and painful.
"Love" wasn't really love at all.My experiences made me bitter and shut off, happier to be accepting a life alone.
Over the past months, I have received more love than the sum of my entire 28 years on this earth. A real love. A forgiving, understanding, open-minded, communicating, timeless and unconditional love that has changed my views on what love should and can be. I know this because it is so unlike any of the treatment I ever received before. He says to me often, "I don't care about being right. I care about working through this together." Totally simple, right? Well, for me, totally RARE. And totally something no one had ever said to me before.
One night I sobbed, fairly early on in the relationship, after a long day and a pretty heavy episode of depression I cried, "I don't want you to see me like this."
Without any hesitation he reassured me, "I think that it's a privilege that you let me be a part of that. The good, the bad and the ugly. That's life and that's real. It wouldn't feel real if you didn't let me see every part and I feel privileged that you let me in to see all of it, every little part. I will always be here for it, I'm not going anywhere."
If you put your heart in the hands of the undeserving enough times, you eventually FINALLY learn what you want and what you deserve. I was just really starting to believe that it wasn't for me and that there wasn't a chance I'd find it.
But one day without even realizing, everything just falls into place.
Love means something different to me now.
Since the moment we met, I have had this bursting feeling inside. I find myself crying still. But this time, not out of hurt and pain as I have always been accustomed to, but tears of joy welling inside of me. I have a best friend with whom I can share the deepest, darkest corners of my soul.
ALLLLLLLL of that being said, my point isn't to boast. I am ecstatic to be at this point in my life. But I experienced years upon years of pain and hurt. They got me good and there were points I was convinced that I'd NEVER make it through and that I'd NEVER get over it.
The part that I really want to share is that there IS a big picture.
We experience pain and heartbreak so that we might be able to appreciate genuine love and kindness when it does comes into our lives.
It toughens us up. Makes us stronger. Teaches us who we are and what we can be without relying on someone else to tell us. I had to discover my own worth before I could demand someone else's respect and high standards.
It's important to note that love isn't pain. With all of the songs, TV shows and movies out there portraying this idea that love is fighting and making up. Screaming at each other, throwing things, breaking things, cheating, arguing, bickering, breaking up and making up. All of that is portrayed as "love" and "passion" in our society, but that couldn't be farther from true. I'm not saying that you're never going to disagree or argue, but accepting those things as norm will lead to a lifetime of pain that no one deserves. Even though it seems "passionate," these things are toxic abuse, NOT love.
I know, because I've been there.
Things like attachment, codependency, addiction, obsession and comfort can all be easily mistaken for love.
But just because it is all you've known doesn't mean that it is real. Not in its purest form, not love as it is meant to be.
You only have one life to live and you DESERVE to fill it with the most genuine, honest feelings of kindness, caring, forgiveness, acceptance and pure love.
From yourself first, and then from others.
Be patient.
xoxo
 |
with you i am desperately understood. --f.d. soul |
